I'm just now remembering how awful the whole baby - having process is. I'm afraid to do it again and have Zoey to deal with too. I remember being in the hospital for 3 (was it 4?) days to recover from the surgery. I had almost forgotten the swelling, the numbness, the bleeding, the constipation, the thirst, the pain, and the exhaustion that all came with the c-section.
It took everything out of me just to get out of bed to pee. I wouldn't be able to lift my own legs back into my bed. My legs were so heavy and numb and weak.
I remember trying to pump breast milk every two to three hours. I really struggled at first; the machine didn't work like I was expecting. They told me how important it was to wash it after every time I pumped, but how was I going to get in and out of bed and hobble all the way over to the sink that many times? It felt like by the time I would get my dead legs back into bed, it would be time to pump again. It is a good thing Tanner was there to help me with this many times. I should be better at that this time with the experience I now have, but there is still that awful schedule of not getting more than three hours of sleep at a time.
Then, Zoey was in the nicu downstairs with nurses to take care of her. I would make the very long journey down there a couple of times a day to nurse her and hold her. I remember staggering down my hall to the elevator, one arm clinging to my husband for support, the other desperately trying to keep my insides from falling out through this new 5 inch cut in my abdomen. The muscles that usually would have done that job were basically deteriorated by this time. Not to mention, they had split right down the middle from the stress of trying to hold a nine pound baby. Oh, and of course, they too had been sliced apart to get that baby out. By the time I got downstairs to see my little angel, I could barely keep my eyes open. I would sit there with my baby in arms trying to rest enough to make the trek back upstairs to my bed.
Oh the exhaustion! But what I'm worried about this time is what we are going to do with Zoey. She can't come to the hospital with us, especially not for 3 or 4 days. There will be no nurses to care for her around the clock. Not that I would want that anyway. I want Tanner to be home with her. He knows her schedule, her routine, her tricks, and how to make her listen and calm down. He's her daddy. But I want him to be there with me. I guess we will have to find someone to replace him in one place or the other.
Those worries are all reserved for before we even bring the baby home. What about after? I remember how I had to sleep in the reclining chair in our living room for about a week after the birth because I couldn't recline all the way onto my back due to the incision and stitches on my stomach. We will have to set up shop on the mainfloor for a while. I'm worried that I won't be able to go up and down the stairs to help get Zoey to bed and what not. I'm worried that our schedule that we spent so much time perfecting will be thrown in the garbage.
And how will I keep everyone fed? I could barely eat enough nutrients and calories for myself when I was nursing Zoey in the beginning. How will I find the energy to feed four of us? I'm tired just thinking about it.
Speaking of tired; Do I even have to mention the sleepless nights to come? With a restless infant waking, crying, pooping, and nursing all throughout the night? Let's not. Let's just try to forget about that for now.
In fact, maybe I should just try to forget all of these things for now. The problems will inevitably arise; there's really no avoiding them. There will be pain, some hardship, and definitely change, but there will also be good.
Even with all of the craziness at the hospital those first few days of Zoey's life, I can't help but look back at the experience with sweetness in my heart, for they were just that, the first days of Zoey's life. Holding her in my arms, I felt something indescribable. Something so miraculous, I'm surprised my heart didn't explode. I know it will be amazing to hold my little man in my arms too. Maybe even so incredible that all the struggles will be made worth it.
